Screw Up the Timeline no Jutsu, Kakashi-Style!
by dazai-san
Summary: Through a series of events that can easily be traced back to a certain Naruto Uzumaki, Kakashi finds himself in a place similar to the past, a time when Minato is alive. Like any [in]sane shinobi, Kakashi decides to create chaos. The first step in doing that? Becoming a missing-nin. Duh. What else were you thinking? (Time/Dimensional Travel. Crackish.)
1. You're Supposed to be DEAD!

**Title:** Screw Up the Timeline no Jutsu, Kakashi-Style!

 **Summary:** Through a series of events that can easily be traced back to a certain Naruto Uzumaki, Kakashi finds himself in a place similar to the past, a time when Minato is alive. Like any [in]sane shinobi, Kakashi decides to create chaos. The first step in doing that? Becoming a missing-nin. Duh. What else were you thinking? (Time/Dimensional Travel. Crackish.)

 **Warnings:** Time/Dimensional Travel, CRACK, spoilers, mild canon divergences, crude humor, SWEARING, the works!

 **Notes:** Apparently I can't write _anything_ aside from crossovers or time travels or both right now. So enjoy. And oh, I don't own Naruto. That's Kishimoto. *Kakashi still has his Sharingan, but that's mainly for crack purposes…

~oOo~

Kakashi had _known_ something was wrong the moment Naruto told him to have a _lovely day_ at home with an evil glint in his eye. Because Naruto is about as subtle as a meteor crashing down above them, and whoops, there's the understatement of the eon.

The thing is, Kakashi had simply _opened his front door_ and with a poof, he finds himself walking into— _what the actual fuck._

The Hokage's office? What the hell? _I thought I was_ done _with this shit! I swear to Kami-sama, Naruto, if this is one of your ploys to get me to do your paperwork… aargh!_

And then he realizes exactly _who_ is sitting in the chair.

"You're supposed to be _dead,_ " he blurts out.

Because that's the fucking _Sandaime Hokage._

Then there are ANBU all around him, weapons pointed.

"Was that a threat?" the Sandaime asks evenly.

"Uh, no. But I could've _sworn_ Orochimaru killed you. Come to think of it, you look a couple decades younger."

Then Kakashi's eyes widen in realization before he swears in sixteen different languages.

"I swear to Kami-sama, I am going to _neuter_ Naruto when I get back," he growls. _If I get back._ Then he sighs. "Well, first things first."

He promptly disarms all of the ANBU with ease without hurting a hair on their heads (why? Because _he's fucking badass, that's why!_ ) before smiling cheerfully. "Feel free to call me the Copy Nin, or Sharingan no Kakashi! Ja!" [1]

Then he shunshins away to collect his thoughts.

~oOo~

After filching a newspaper, he assumes this is around the time when he was… say… twelve. A few months before the Kannabi Bridge mission…

Kakashi grins.

"Well, I've already done it, but let's just make it official…"

Upon reaching the top of the Hokage monument, he magnifies his voice with a jutsu before clearing his voice and shouting very loudly, " _Screw Up the Timeline no Jutsu!_ "

Naturally, the ANBU are able to find him quickly because he _literally just broadcasted his location._

And of course, _naturally,_ they are unable to capture him.

~oOo~

 **a/n:** I am _so_ not sorry.

I mean, this was just begging to be written!

Here's the prologue sort of thing; enjoy, and leave a review?


	2. Yeah, I'm THAT Motherfucker!

Within a _week_ , Kakashi has created a name for himself in _all five of the elemental nations._

Huh. Kakashi is _beyond_ proud of himself right now.

His famed name?

 _That Motherfucker._

Eh. Not the name he'd _wanted_ but it'll do, because he's so prominently infamously obnoxiously—okay, he'll stop now— _annoying_ , just by using the general term, _that motherfucker_ , they'll know who they're talking about. Of course, he's also known by his second moniker, the Copy Nin, but that's far less often.

Of course, this is only amongst the shinobi ranks, because actually, the _civilian_ parts of the shinobi world call him _The Lifesaver._

Which is flattering and all, but Kakashi really has no idea where the hell that name comes from.

(It _might_ have to do with the fact that he'd sent various shadow clones to do odd jobs for civilians over the week, and his fame _might_ have spread like that. And he supposes they mean that he's a lifesaver in both the literal sense, and the sense that he does chores for a very low price.)

" _It's that motherfucker! Get him!_ "

Kakashi blinks as a set of shinobi run down the streets of Konoha as he sets a crate of apples on the table for the owner of the stand. The owner smiles cheerfully at him. "Run along now, Lifesaver-san," she tells him. "Looks like the shinobi want to come and play."

"Ah, thanks," Kakashi responds, beaming. "How about once I shake these guys off, I come back and help you tomorrow?"

"That'd be wonderful."

"Well then, gotta run!"

Kakashi promptly flips the shinobi off before leading them on a merry chase through the streets of Konoha, much to the amusement of the civilian part of the village and much to the embarrassment of the shinobi part when they fail to catch him.

And then he stops at the Memorial Stone, and the shinobi surround him.

He beams and gives them a two fingered salute. "Well, that was fun! Ja ne!"

Kakashi poofs out of existence, proving that he'd been a _Shadow Clone_ all along.

The curses of the shinobi can be heard all around Konoha as they head back to report.

The _real_ Kakashi is sitting on the Hokage monument, laughing his ass off.

True to his word, he comes back the next day to help the stand owner, and she pays him extra. When he asks why, she laughs and says, "For an excellent show."

~oOo~

The Sandaime sighs and rubs his temples, reaching out for paper and pen.

"It is time," he says in a grave tone.

The ANBU exchange looks.

"It is time…" he repeats and glares at an ANBU expectantly. The ANBU sighs explosively before making a drumroll sound by rapping her fingers on the wall.

"…to pull out the big guns," the Sandaime announces, and writes that letter.

Once he's done, he hands it to Cheetah, his fastest ANBU, and he nods in understanding before disappearing silently.

 _Let's see how you evade_ both of them, _Copy Nin._

~oOo~

Kakashi tosses the last of the trash out. "Is that it?" he calls from the back.

"Yeah," grunts the shop owner. "The pay's on the table."

Quickly Kakashi snatches the bag after washing his hands, heading outside of the shop. It's pretty late, and Kakashi thinks he could use some sleep when a familiar chakra signature appears, and Kakashi sighs explosively.

"Oh come on," he complains. "And here I thought I was going to get some sleep tonight! Come out, Jiraiya-sama, I know you're there."

Kakashi jumps out of the way just as a kunai lands where he'd been a moment before, and Jiraiya reveals his presence. Minato appears as well, right where the kunai is.

"That isn't fair!" Kakashi moans. "First of all, it's two on one! Second, I _want to sleep!_ Third…" He smirks. "It's not unfair for me. It's unfair for _you._ "

Kakashi leaps to the top of a building before running at a leisurely pace—at least, leisurely for him. He's the fucking Rokudaime Hokage, and these two won't even _touch_ him because Minato isn't quite up to par with the Hokage yet, and Kakashi has about thirty odd years of _genius and prodigy_ on them.

(Not to say that Minato isn't a genius or anything but honestly, Kakashi's _older than him_ right now. So yeah, _wayyy_ more time to practice.)

Kakashi proceeds to lead them on a wild goose chase all around Konoha, waking just about every ANBU and shinobi and about half the civilians while doing so.

Naturally, because he's so charismatic, the half-asleep civilians cheer him on, and he sees some of the shinobi and ANBU shaking their heads in amusement as _Minato fucking Namikaze_ and _Jiraiya of the Sannin_ chase a missing-nin who isn't even trying to hide his presence around Konoha.

And fail, duh.

Kakashi, having a stroke of genius inspired by a certain blonde student, pulls out his storage scroll and procures a bucket of rainbow paint and a _huge ass_ brush before putting the scroll back, all without stopping.

Gradually he leads them to the Hokage Monument, and Kakashi smirks widely before latching himself onto the Shodaime's face and dipping the brush in paint.

He begins to run, chased by Minato and Jiraiya, laughing loud enough to be heard by the entire of Konoha. Kakashi makes random strokes here and there as he runs around. " _You're vandalizing the Hokage Monument!_ " Minato all but screeches in horror.

By the time he's done, he's fresh out of paint, and he seals the bucket and the brush into the storage scroll again, smirking widely at his handiwork as he jumps down to join the civilians, followed closely by Jiraiya and Minato, who'd somehow managed to not ruin it.

The civilians and shinobi on the ground are laughing their asses off as Minato and Jiraiya stare at the monument uncomprehendingly.

Because Kakashi _hadn't_ been making random strokes.

Written on the Hokage's faces in bright rainbow paint is:

" _Run, run, run! As fast as you can! You can't catch me, 'cos I'm SHARINGAN NO KAKASHI, LOSERS!"_

Kakashi gives them a two fingered salute, grinning widely before he poofs out of existence, telling them that _they had been chasing around yet another shadow clone._

In the Hokage's office, the Sandaime swears in about twenty different languages.

~oOo~

 **a/n:** Nope. Still not sorry _at all._

Review, please? Ideas would be lovely.

REMEMBER: _**CRACK!**_


	3. SNEEZING

Kakashi is beyond upset right now.

 _That Motherfucker_ has the audacity to go around _using his name_!

"I swear to Kami-sama that I will avenge my honor and dignity," Kakashi vows. "I am going to kill you, motherfucker!"

Suddenly, a bucket of bright _Gai_ green paint splatters over him when he walks under a branch.

Kakashi proceeds to swear in about twenty-six different languages.

~oOo~

A mile away, Kakashi sneezes and rubs his nose. "Hmm? The Sandaime must be cursing my name in a thousand different languages again."

~oOo~

Said Sandaime, about an hour later, discovers a lovely note on his floor written with pieces of paper soaked in rainbow paint.

It says:

 _Dear Sandaime-sama,_

 _The paint on the Hokage's Monument will take about a month to start fading, sorry about that! But I rather like the message I left there… Good thing it's probably never going to fade completely, haha!_

 _I swear I wasn't making an attempt on your life… but I don't think that matters anymore, really, since you seem to just hate me for some reason. I can't imagine why, I'm such a wonderful person._

 _Uh, I'm going on tangents. By the way, the paper I used for this are all of the completed paperwork pages you've done and have yet to turn in. I hope you like this message, since I'm pretty sure it's going to be staying for a_ long _time!_

 _With lots of love,_

 _Sharingan no Kakashi aka that motherfucker aka Copy Nin aka the Lifesaver_

The Sandaime trembles in rage and despair.

" _NOOOO! THAT WAS THE LAST STRAW! NOT THE PAPERWORK!_ "

Needless to say, Kakashi, watching from a nearby tree, heads off, snickering into his hand.

~oOo~

"What is it?" Minato asks, sighing, as he enters the Hokage's office.

And then he does a double take.

He reads the letter. And then rereads it. And then has a really good idea about what the Sandaime wants him to do. (Again.)

"Find this 'Sharingan no Kakashi' and bring him back," the Sandaime says almost serenely but Minato can hear the note of fury.

Needless to say, Minato is terrified. At this point, he really doesn't know whether the Sandaime or that motherfucker is more dangerous. (Probably the latter, but then again, Sharingan no Kakashi doesn't seem to be hostile. In fact, he actually took out a huge chunk of Iwa's forces.)

"Bring your team as well," the Sandaime adds. "You leave as soon as you can get them together."

"Yes, Hokage-sama," Minato says, dreading the chase already.

~oOo~

Minato had been expecting a very drawn out chase, perhaps in Konoha, perhaps out, but with plenty of offensive comments.

He had _not_ been expecting that motherfucker to be casually reading a book (holy shit is that _Icha-Icha_ ) and standing outside the gate as if he'd been expecting them. (He probably had.)

"Um. You!" Minato winces at exactly how he really has no idea about how to go about doing this. "Um. Come with us peacefully to Konoha or else we'll use force."

That motherfucker casually turns a page, apparently reads a passage, before saying aloud, "Really, you've set the entirety of the ANBU on me and you haven't caught me yet."

Minato wilts. That is undeniably true.

"But don't worry, Minato-san, I had the Raikage and Mizukage _working together_ to try and murder me!" that motherfucker says as if having two Kage after your blood is something _everybody_ would want. "It was hilarious because they ended up failing. Oh, did you know? They also had both their ANBU troops working together too. It was amazing. But now they're back to trying to kill each other because I _might have_ slipped in some rumors about each other."

Kakashi, who looks an awful lot like that motherfucker, trembles with rage. "How _dare_ you use my name!" he hisses. "And to perform your dirty acts too!"

That motherfucker looks up from his book and blinks petulantly. "Excuse me, but Kakashi's _my_ name too. You can't put a copyright on a _name_! Show me your patent then."

Kakashi falters. "But still!" Obito bursts out laughing and Rin looks like she's stifling giggles.

That motherfucker/Kakashi smiles "kindly" at him. "Oh don't worry, mini-Kakashi, you can't win an argument with me."

Mini-Kakashi (Minato has to say, that's a pretty darn good name) glares. " _Mini-_ Kakashi?!"

"Well, I can't very well call you 'Kakashi', can I? How will people tell the difference?" Kakashi asks.

"They don't _have_ to tell the difference!" mini-Kakashi hisses.

Kakashi taps his now closed book against his cheek. "I'd forgotten exactly how huge a stick I had up my ass when I was twelve."

Mini-Kakashi scowls. "What're you talking about?"

"Eh? Did you say something, mini-Kakashi?"

Minato cuts in awkwardly before mini-Kakashi can say anything else. "Um. Copy Nin. Are you going to come with us, or are you going to let us suffer under the Hokage-sama when he realizes we failed to bring you back?"

Kakashi ponders for a moment. "I _was_ about to go find Orochimaru and beat the ever loving snot out of him, but sure, I guess I could go with you."

Minato lets out a sigh of relief and escorts Kakashi up to the Hokage's office.

~oOo~

Kakashi stands inside the Hokage's office with his nose buried in his book as the Sandaime glares at him. "What is your purpose in ruining my paperwork?"

Kakashi looks up from his book. "I did what to your paperwork?"

" _Read the message you wrote on the damn floor then, Copy Nin!_ " the Sandaime shouts.

Kakashi complies, blinking. "Oh. The Shadow Clone who did that's probably in Suna right now. He's ruining wedding plans or something, I think. At least, that's what I'd do."

" _Do you know how much paperwork you've caused me, and how much paperwork I have to redo?_ "

"Yeah, I do, in fact," Kakashi says in a bored tone. "Naruto's one of the biggest pranksters where I'm from. He's done worse than this to me several times now." He flips a page. "Not to mention, why don't you just use a Shadow Clone to do it and do whatever the fuck you want elsewhere?"

Minato, standing in the back, frowns. "Who had the brilliant idea to name their kid after a ramen topping?"

"You did," Kakashi comments dryly. Oh, the irony. "You actually intended it to be 'maelstrom' instead of fishcake though."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"It's complicated," Kakashi says, waving a hand flippantly. "Everything's complicated."

"We're going on tangents here!" the Sandaime thunders.

"What're you even planning to do to me, anyway?" Kakashi asks. "Put me to death?"

The Sandaime wilts and collapses back in his chair. "I… actually hadn't thought that far."

"Oh. So you just wanted the satisfaction of capturing me because I had annoyed the hell out of you? Oh okay. I'll go off and beat up Orochimaru like I planned then."

"Wai—" Minato begins but Kakashi's already gone.

The Sandaime's face meets his desk.

~oOo~

 **a/n:** NOPE NOT SORRY NOPEE

CRACK, CRACK, CRACK, CRACK, AND CRACK


	4. Art is a bang, un!

_Chapter Three—_

 _Art is a bang, un!_

 _(Or, in other words, Kakashi borrows a page from Deidara's book.)_

~oOo~

Kakashi hums a cheerful tune under his breath as he stalks around Orochimaru's lair, locating the pedo-snake's chakra.

(Yes, Pedo-Snake is a thing; in fact, Naruto had replaced the "pedo-bear" thing with "pedo-snake" as soon as he became Hokage. Kakashi couldn't approve more. Sasuke was… less than pleased. Huh. An idea for screwing around with the shinobi nations…)

With the (totally badass) ease of a Hokage, Kakashi bypasses all of the wards and slips into Pedo-Snake's lair. Kabuto is with him, and Kakashi makes his way towards the room, his presence completely cloaked.

Once he reaches it, he slides out some of Naruto's Extra Explosive Epic and Colorful Bang!© exploding tags and Naruto's Super Strong and Steady Chakra Barrier!© seals (both of which are from Naruto's _amazing_ joke shop, _A Ninja's Tools—They're Practical,_ and _You Get a Laugh Outta It!_ ).

He sets the four seals in the general area of the corners of the room and throws a pair of kunai with the exploding tags into the room before quickly activating the chakra barrier.

Deidara's voice shouting " _Art is a bang, un!_ " rings out through the barrier, slightly muffled, and then a huge _bang_ almost breaks the chakra barrier. (Naruto had hired some random shinobi called Katsuhiko Kawamoto or something who sounds _identical_ to Deidara, oddly enough, to shout the line, and recorded it to use for this particular product.)

Kakashi, having put in earplugs, only hears the explosion slightly, but he watches with no little amount of manic glee as a burst of rainbow (with _Gai_ green) explodes within the chakra barrier.

Orochimaru's henchmen who had come upon hearing the alarm (wait, Pedo-Snake had rung the alarm? Damn) are promptly blasted off their asses from the sheer _shock_ of the soundwave, while Kakashi, with his feet glued to the ground with chakra, is unaffected. (Well, he'd like to claim that it's his own badass-ness. Which it totally is!)

Once the two explosions have finally ceased, Kakashi peers into the now partially damaged chakra barrier, and grins at the final product, which involves rainbow paint with Gai green and a lot of burn marks. Though those are covered by the paint.

The unfortunate henchmen who had come up are now cradling their craniums with moans of pain and Kakashi even sees a couple of guys with blood pooling out of their ears. Wow. Maybe he should put up some soundproofing next time. Not that he feels sorry for Pedo-Snake's henchmen.

Kakashi casually releases the barrier, picking up the seals and sliding them back to the storage scroll before pulling out one of Sasuke's contributions to Naruto's joke shop. Yes, _Sasuke "Angsting Asshole" Uchiha_ contributed to _Naruto's_ _joke_ shop.

After checking if Orochimaru and Kabuto are unconscious, Kakashi takes out Sasuke's Stringy Slime Seal© (the name is courtesy of Naruto, since Sasuke originally wanted it to be called "Binding Seal" but Naruto found it too boring. Sakura agreed, and that was the end of the conversation) and slaps one of each onto Pedo-Snake and Kabuto's foreheads before activating it.

Strings of gooey slime begin to tie them up, and Kakashi briefly thinks of Sasuke's brilliance on this—not only does it tie up your target, it makes them have this horribly uncomfortable feeling of having _slugs_ and _leeches_ and _octopus tentacles_ on your flesh, and even if you're wearing layers and layers of clothes, _you'll still feel it_. That's the genjutsu part of it, actually.

He wonders if he has firsthand experience with it. Probably, considering who his girlfriend is.

Kakashi picks up the two unconscious bodies and squeezes them into the storage scroll. It's a tight fit, but eh, who cares.

Then he heads to Konoha, dumps the two on the Hokage's desk (causing the slime to get all over the Sandaime's paperwork), and flees with a two-fingered salute.

~oOo~

Minato stares, a tic developing in his eye. His left eye, in fact.

"Minato-sensei, what's a pedophile?" Obito asks. Ah, young, innocent, naïve, and _oh so stupid_ Obito.

Kakashi grimaces, turns a peculiar shade of green (reminiscent of a certain green spandex wearing genin), and turns away. Rin just looks a little confused as well. "Idiot. You _really_ don't want to know," Kakashi mumbles. Obito just glares at him.

Obito had just asked Minato a question, and now Minato must face the current bane of his existence. The poster tacked to every single wall.

Said poster has a picture has a picture of—

"And why's Orochimaru on there?" Rin adds, in a hope to prevent Kakashi and Obito from arguing _again._

Minato wilts. _Why, oh_ why _doesn't the Academy teach basic sex ed anymore?_ Minato bemoans internally. _Well, I mean,_ I _had to learn from_ Jiraiya _. Poor mini-Kakashi did too… Curse you, Sharingan no Kakashi, for putting me in this position!_

"I think you broke your sensei."

Minato jumps and turns around to see the _other_ bane of his existence walking towards him, hiding the lower half of his face even more with an Icha-Icha. _Shit, can his day get any worse?_ Then Minato swears internally—he did _not_ just ask that question; now his day will get worse—for _sure._

"It's you!" mini-Kakashi exclaims with a scowl.

"It's the cooler Kakashi!" Obito exclaims at the exact same time.

Mini-Kakashi whips around to glare at his teammate.

"Maa, maa, teamwork, you two," Kakashi chides, flipping a page. "About your question of pedophilia, I suggest you go ask Jiraiya-sama the next time he comes back to Konoha. He's rather knowledgeable about the subject."

"I _hate_ you," Minato growls suddenly, and not just because of the fact that Kakashi wants to traumatize his innocent students by talking to _Jiraiya_ about _sex_. Students, Jiraiya, and sex do _not_ mix well.

"Has the Sandaime been giving you problems?" Kakashi asks mildly.

" _Yes_ and _you_ are the one who's spreading those accursed _'Pedo-Snake'_ fliers around! The stupid academy doesn't teach sex ed anymore and I'm stuck with two sexually oblivious children!" Minato grouses.

"Ah. Then it's not just the Sandaime. It's Kushina-san too?" Kakashi gives him a suggestive eye-smile.

Minato sputters and flushes an interesting shade of red. Albeit he _is_ right—"Wait, how do you—" he demands.

"I know a lot of things," Kakashi singsongs. "I'm not inclined to tell you my methods!"

Mini-Kakashi startles them by hissing, "There is _no_ fucking way I turn into something… like… like… _you._ " Well, startles _Minato_ , but not Kakashi, who simply looks mildly amused and… pleased? Minato wonders why.

Kakashi shrugs with a faint smile. "Probably won't, since I screwed around here. And hopefully, you _don't_. It's not a pleasant journey." He strolls past mini-Kakashi, musses up his hair with a strangely wistful grin, and disappears in a swirl of leaves.

Minato's silver-haired student frowns a little, looking as if he's trying to piece a puzzle together, but he doesn't have all of the pieces.

Perhaps the chuunin is coming to the same conclusion that Minato is refusing to think about. Or maybe he has already.

~oOo~

 **a/n:** By the way, Katsuhiko Kawamoto is Deidara's seiyu.

Ugh I'm so sorry for the late update *bows*

And also this is slightly more serious than the other chapters.

I love all of your reviews, and thanks for sticking with me for a while, I'll try to come out with the next chapter ASAP.

With that said, reviews are loved!


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